Firstly, the only reason I wanted to exercise was to lose weight. I had to exercise every day if not once but twice. I generally used to run at lunchtime and go to an aerobic class at my local gym at night. I used to push myself really hard and didn’t necessarily even enjoy it, particularly the running. In the end I got a shin splint and had to give running up. When I couldn’t run, the thought of doing nothing terrified me so I started swimming, which I definitely didn’t enjoy. I sort of enjoyed the aerobics but only because I thought it was helping me to lose weight.
The second negative influence in my life at that time was food! Everything about food was a drama. What could I eat? When could I eat it? How much should I eat? Was it healthy or good for me? Will I lose weight if I don’t eat this? Again I never enjoyed food. I knew I had to eat to live but it was extremely stressful and then when I started bingeing uncontrollably most evenings, I was really upset. The fact that I was hiding what I was eating most of the time was dreadful, but being out of control was the worst. The total despair of knowing what you were doing was wrong but not being able to stop was just devastating.
The third negative influence was “the scales”. The scales completely ruled my life. I got on them every morning and sometimes in the evenings too. If they said I had lost some weight, I still wasn’t satisfied. First of all I would be pleased, then the little voice on my shoulder would say, “You’ve done OK, but surely you can lose more than that”, or “that’s great but watch out or you’ll put it back on again!” If I hadn’t lost any weight or had actually put some on then my day would be ruined. I would be miserable for the rest of the day and verbally berate myself. All my thoughts would be negative and put downs, and that basically meant my day would be negative too.
Following on from the negative thoughts about food, I realise that all my thoughts during that time were negative. I had lost confidence and my self-esteem was at an all time low. I put myself down in all areas of my life. I lost confidence at work, in relationships with friends, colleagues or peers and just couldn’t seem to drag myself out of it. The bingeing and exercise were really the only things that kept me going. At least I had a focus, something I could hang onto.
In addition, I was always on some sort of diet. Not necessarily a fad one, but definitely watching what I ate. Only eating small amounts, not allowing myself snacks or treats and certainly not eating enough to sustain the amount of exercise I was doing each day.
Finally, I worried about what people thought of me all the time. Did they know I was bingeing? Did they think I was doing a good job? Did my friends still like me? I certainly wasn’t making time for my friends so I had lost contact with a lot of them, mostly because I put my exercise first.
Once I recognised that all aspects of my life were in fact negative, I could then turn it around and start introducing positive influences instead.
I am a Natural Eating Consultant, wife and mother who has recovered from 6 years of depression, a side effect of which was bulimia. I used to binge on food uncontrollably and then exercise excessively to get rid of it. In my mid thirties I was introduced to Natural Eating which together with personal development, allowed me to learn to love and trust myself enough to make a full recovery. My weight settled at 49 kilos in 1998 and has remained at this level for over a decade. Previously, I’d had weight and food related issues for over 20 years. I have now written an e-book entitled “Empower yourself by eating what you want – how to lose weight naturally without dieting.” For a FREE copy please click the following link http://www.weightlossandpersonalgrowth.com/Home.html
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